Reposting article from Sam Sellers - Home Helpers Owner Little Rock

Over the years, we have served and counseled countless families. While no two situations are exactly the same, there are a few constants. I believe it makes people more comfortable to know they are not alone and their situation is actually more common that they might believe.

A quick note to the only child: don't worry. We understand the burden of bearing complete responsibility for care of a loved one who needs assistance. Siblings can supply relief and support. However, an only child (or a child whose siblings live far away) can get that relief and support from home care services or other support networks.

Actually, in virtually every family there is one adult child who, for whatever reason, is the one with the overall responsibility. This is true whether there are ten adult children or only...one.

A benefit of being an only child is that you do not have to deal with the Pigeons, Bears or Turtles that others do. Let me explain.

Pigeons

In many families that are spread around the country, we see pigeons. The scenario involves an older adult with both a local adult child and one or more who do not live locally. You know you have a pigeon as a sibling if they swoop into town, second-guess every decision you've made, and every action you've taken, issue proclamations about the way things should be handled, and then fly back home. In short, pigeons come and leave what pigeons do on the ground and, just like pigeons, they fly away with little concern over the mess they've created.

Pigeons want to feel as though they are involved in the care of their parent, even if they aren't (and have made no effort to do so). Before a pigeon arrives, make sure you can justify - even though you should not have to - decisions made and actions taken on your parent's behalf. It could save you some heartache. If possible, arrange a meeting with your home care provider to review your parent's Care Plan with your pigeon sibling(s). Sometimes when it comes from a third party, an outside expert, the decisions can be substantiated without causing hard feelings. We call these meetings, "taming the pigeon."

In any event, know in advance that you will be second-guessed and potentially undermined. Take refuge in the fact that you are doing the best you can under the circumstances and that if your sibling wanted to play a more active role, you would gladly accept their assistance.

In the end, the pigeon will leave you to clean up the mess, so, to the degree possible, minimize the mess.

Bears

The second type of sibling is a bear. For bears, it is perpetually wintertime and they will do what bears do - hibernate. These are the ones who, whether local or not, cannot accept the situation. They are in denial, sometimes in spite of overwhelming evidence that refutes their position.

Shirley the Bear's story

A bear we dealt with was certain that her mother should continue driving even with her "declining memory." Her mother was living with advanced stage Alzheimer's disease. We found it necessary to remind this particular bear of the state of her mother's home before we started service: yard clippers were found with dinner plates in the pantry, dirty dishes were stacked in the oven, trash was found in the washing machine, and that was just the kitchen!

The best you can hope for with bears is that they come around at their own pace to accept the reality of the situation. Though they seem to have an answer for everything, their answers may be a psychological protection against facing reality.

Tread lightly with bears who are living in denial. As with the actual animal, bears can react fiercely and in anger. Be honest with them about diagnoses, prognoses and the entire situation, but do so in a patient and respectful manner. Denial is a powerful emotion and overcoming it takes patience and understanding.

Turtles

Another family member we see is the turtle. You might have guessed it, but turtles are slow moving. They are slow in recognizing a need for assistance, and sometimes slower in acting on the need. These want a complete road map, including hotels to stay in and sights to see on their summer vacation next year. They want to know where the road is leading and what is around the bend.

Certainly it would be helpful to know how care for an aging parent will evolve over time. Even so, at some point, you must take action. Turtles are averse to that. Sometimes they drag their feet so long that the crisis becomes even more severe.

If you have a turtle sibling, you must emphasize the need for a proactive approach to avoid potential pitfalls. Your home care provider might be able to reassure turtles by sharing their experience regarding families in similar situations.

Every family and every situation has it peculiarities and special considerations. Yet almost every family we've served has at least one pigeon, bear and turtle. If your family doesn't, you are most fortunate!